In Conversation With Grace Alexander- A Solopreneur With Nerves Of Steel
The second installment of the #WomenWhoInspire series is here. Please allow me to introduce you to Grace Alexander- a winner at life! She survived spiritual, verbal, psychological, physical, and sexual abuse. Breaking the shackles of the cult she was raised in and the abusive marriage holding her back, Grace stood strong in the face of adversities. Today, she’s a successful independent freelancer specializing in content marketing. As the CEO and founder of Brilliance On Demand, Grace Alexander is a sought-after #contentwriter who runs her own community of more than 4.5k #contentwriters.
I have known Grace for the last 4 years since I became a member of her writing group. Her thoughtfulness and zero-tolerance attitude towards colorism, racism, ableism, and homophobia made me admire her. Gradually with time, I became familiar with her story through the personal posts she often shares.
Grace grew up in a cult where she was subjected to unimaginable abuse. At the age of 23, she gathered courage and somehow escaped, losing her baby siblings in the process. Having been groomed for abuse, she married another horrible person. This painful chapter of her life went on for another 13 years But she managed to escape a second time. Currently, she’s living a wholesome life in a beautiful country with her amazing partner and several rescue animals.Grace undoubtedly has nerves of steel. I got a chance to interview Grace and it has been an exceptional experience. Here are the excerpts of the interview.
1. It must have taken a lot of courage to escape the cult. When was the first time you realized you were a part of the cult? How did you eventually escape?
It is very hard to recognize you’re in a cult because you have been raised in it. For me, it was an isolating experience. We didn’t go to school and were connected only to people within our community. We didn’t have books, television, or music. In fact, they burned all of the books I had.
We were so isolated that we didn’t know anything could be different.When you get out in the world, you realize not everyone’s family is like that. It’s so bizarre. Things came to a point where I could no longer stand the abuse I was going through. All I could do was think about killing myself.
I realized I was the eldest daughter taking care of all my younger siblings. My parents would never let me leave. The only way to get out was to get married. And I knew they would never let me. I felt stuck forever. That’s why I kept thinking about killing myself in a way that it really happens and I am not paralyzed or something. Ultimately, it dawned upon me that this cannot be normal.
I knew an older gentleman and his wife. I used to do a lot of ranch work for them. They soon picked up something was wrong. I was a young woman terrified of getting two minutes late. They offered me help and I accepted. I don’t know if I would be able to get out had someone not helped me.
2. Losing your baby siblings in the process of escaping must have been very hard. How did you cope with the loss? Did you try re-establishing contact with them when they turned adults?
Eventually, after getting out, I tried to help my siblings escape the cult. Our neighbors knew something was wrong. But they all considered it to be a family matter and didn’t want to get involved.We were so isolated from society that even if my parents would bury us in the snow no one will ever know. We lived there as if we didn’t exist.
I have a sister 20 years younger than me. I couldn’t reach out to her or try to stay in contact as I knew if they came to know they’ll punish her for this and I couldn’t let that happen. But I always maintained a presence on social media. I told my story. I made sure that they could find me if they ever wanted to.
Once my sister contacted me through Facebook and shared her grief of being raised that way and the circumstances she has been facing there.
It’s the same story and it felt so heartbreaking. She’s the only contact I’ve had. She was 3 when I last saw her. But I hope they raise themselves better and grow their mindsets, especially the girls.
3. That must have been so hard. I cannot even imagine the emotional turmoil inside you. It’s difficult being raised by abusive parents. What advice would you like to give to estranged children who were raised by narcissists or abusive parents? We often see a lot of guilt-tripping happening…
Absolutely, you’ve got nothing to do with people who hurt you… nothing! People try to dress it out and advise you to forgive them. I can’t stand this forgiveness drama. I never received any apology for the abuse I faced. Why do you have to be the bigger person? Let them be sorry for what they did. The obvious thing you can do is to let it hurt for a while then cut off and walk away from the mess. It’s not worth dragging and carrying the burden for your whole life. Whatever hurts you or drags you down is not worth it. It’s incredibly liberating to unapologetically say a ‘NO’ and walk away.
4. It’s a common belief that people subject to abuse during childhood often get caught in abusive relationships due to the sense of familiarity. Do you think your childhood was the reason you stayed in an abusive marriage for 13 years?
Absolutely. We were groomed for it. Our self-identity and esteem are bound up in the idea that womanhood is very home-centric. It’s all about being a mother or being a homemaker. The bar of expectations was set so low of being treated well that we attract another abuser.
I didn’t recognize the red flags. He was so charming and cool when I first met him. We got married after knowing each other for six weeks. Now it feels so stupid. But I didn’t realize it at that time as I was living in a fairytale that had the ending of happily ever after. And I got pregnant.
Eventually, I had three children with him. I kept trying to make my marriage work because that’s what you do. You don’t give up just because things are tough. And he got more and more abusive. It was a familiar environment and it was my fault that I didn’t realize it. And it kept getting worse each day.
Grace's picture from the time right before she left her abusive husband
5. What was the breaking point in your marriage? What made you seek an escape for the second time?
“He raped me when I was eight months pregnant. It was then I realized this man never loved me at all. No man would do that to a woman he is supposed to love.”
He was so sneaky about it. I was pregnant, working and taking care of kids, feeding them, packing their lunches, helping with their homework, working two jobs, and whatnot. He was not even earning and taking care of anything which he was supposed to do. Instead, he turned the house into a wreck.
I finally got home and took my shoes off. My legs were swollen from working so hard. I crawled into bed. He came and he started in on me and I was like please don’t do that. He said, “ssshh you don’t want to wake up the kids”. I remember just laying there and thinking this is it! He doesn’t love me. Why am I with this man? Why do I have two kids with him? Why am I pregnant with his third kid? This is insanity.
I have to get out of here. It was such a shock. It was like being hit with a bucket of cold water. I realized none of the niceness has been real. That’s when I knew I had to get out.
6. There’s a big debate going on in India about marital rape. As a survivor, would you like to share your viewpoint on it?
The worst thing about the rape was not being taken seriously because it was my husband who did it. When I got out, I went to planned parenthood. They asked me to go through a full set of STD testing. I was worried about myself.
When you come in, they’ve a checklist of questions they ask you. One of the questions was have you ever been sexually assaulted? I hadn’t told anyone at that point…I checked the yes box. The technician seemed concerned when she read that and asked me what happened. I told her and she said “ohh that was your husband. Women get raped for real”.
That hurt like hell. She was the first person I trusted to tell anything about this and she blew it off like it’s nothing.
Your husband is supposed to love and protect you. It’s a huge betrayal of trust and it’s not at all normal.
Marriage doesn’t give you a right over your partner’s body. You need consent. Everytime!
7. I am a big fan of the pictures you post online, especially of the animals at your shelter. Would you like to share how you eventually began rescuing animals?
We moved here almost 7 years ago. My kids always wanted a dog. But in the United States pet care is very expensive. So, we had been here (in the present country Grace lives in) for only a month or two, we adopted some abandoned dogs. Took them to pet clinic.
We came to know of a refuge that rescues dogs. A few days later we got a call from them there’s another older dog they are looking to get adopted. Everyone was going over to the cute little huskies wearing bandanas but nobody was paying attention to this old gentleman. Our hearts melted and we got him home.
We followed the refuge’s Facebook page. They posted another dog story and we went to see him. We saw how the refuge was overwhelmed trying to take care of all the dogs. My wife decided we need to build a shelter house for worst case dogs. We took the worst off dogs from the rescue. They were old and sick and they didn’t expect them to live long. But now we have had our refuge for four years, and we still have all but one of the originals.
Now, we have a total of 20 dogs and some are more than 20 years old!
It’s so much fun and makes it worth it. Dogs are so much love. They’re loyal. They love being rescued. They have so much life in them. It’s hard to say goodbye to them when some of them get sick or die naturally. It’s hard to see them this way but you know you did everything you could to save them. We think they have a better life with us than on the streets. I’m glad we are living in a country where we can afford to rescue dogs. Because pet care here is so much cheaper. This is something we are able to do and it gives back a little to just to dogs but a little bit to the community and a little bit to the country we’re living in.
8. I remember reading a post where you shared how difficult it was to come out as a queer. What do you think was the most difficult aspect of it?
I lived in South Texas at the time when I realized I was gay. I was in the middle of my divorce.
My best friend told me she’s in love with me and I felt the same. We started making plans to move in together.But I couldn’t tell anyone. Because in Texas, a family court judge would be very happy to give my kids to an abusive drug-using husband rather than let a lesbian have the kids and raise with them another woman.
When I came out to my husband he lost his his lid and screamed at me. He even said if he knew about it earlier he wouldn’t let me move in with my ‘friend’.He was in total denial and it escalated to the point where he moved to Georgia, stalked us, and threatened us. Things got so scary, I had to get a restraining order against him. We had to expedite our timeline of leaving the country basically. We had to flee.
I’m anti-gun and even I had to get a shot gun to feel safe. Me and my partner were taking turns to watch the road to see if he was coming after us.
It was a very real threat and a very difficult time.
9. You went through a lot. Yet I see a very vibrant lady in front of me. What did you do to heal yourself from all those bitter experiences? And how did you mold yourself into the version of the ‘Grace’ I’m looking at.
It took me a long time to heal as there was a lot of damage. I tried to go a couple of times for therapy but it was very expensive. I think my therapists might have had to go to other therapists after talking to me. And that’s when I haven’t really told them the bad stuff yet. They would tell me to breathe, relax and be grounded, which was totally not helpful.
So I had to do a lot of healing by myself. I learned how to cope by being very open about it, talking about it, not being ashamed about it, and never hiding it. I have been very outspoken about my story in a course of normal facebook conversation. There were have been several women who opened up to me.
They know I am a safe person to talk to, they know I’d understand. They came up to me and said they were able to get out of their abusive relationship because they read my part of the story online. Or they came to a conclusion in their lives that whatever is happening isn’t their fault. So, it gave me hope and I felt like I’m doing the right thing. Letting the hurt go has been the best decision.
“There’s a story about the tiger kept in the zoo in a cage. He would go round and round in his cage. When he was set free, he would still pace around because that’s what he had learned to do. He was voluntarily keeping himself in a cage even though he was now free. I didn’t want to be that tiger.”
I wanted to learn how to step out of the cage. It’s scary and sometimes bad things happen. But it’s better than living in that cage for my whole life. I’m sad I lost touch with my baby siblings. Can I magically repair that? Can I take back all those years? Can I fix that? I can’t.
So you have to let go of these things which can’t be fixed. I can only fix what I do now. I realise dwelling on those things and playing them over again and again in my head was like putting that emotional drama on replay. It was taking me down and preventing me from enjoying my present- my wife, my three kids, my dogs, my horses, my job!
I didn’t have my family to go to, I had very few friends but I was fortunate to get past some things. But I’m strong enough to stand up and reach my helping hand out and say how can I help you? Can I tell you it’s not your fault? Can I loan you some money? Can I help you research a place to live? Can I reach out to my network if you need to get out? Here’s your path.
Helping others helped me heal!
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